Written by Alaina Brown, and adapted from Facebook. You can see (and like!) the original post here.
I’m sharing my story, not for sympathy but to bring awareness to a topic that was never shared with me. Something I had heard of, but knew little about. Among all the advice and personal stories moms had shared with me, it was a subject no one touched. It is something I wish I would have been more educated on going into my pregnancy.My last trimester I was counting down the days. Literally, I had a calendar at work with a countdown to my due date. I was SO excited to meet this little man growing inside of me. I spent every second thinking about him and day dreaming of how things were going to be once he was here.
My baby was born 7 weeks ago on July 13th. I was induced a few days early due to preeclampsia. My whole “birth plan” didn’t happen. Not a single thing went as planned! But there I was, excited as ever to be meeting my baby that day. The whole birthing experience was so incredible and Ill never forget the first time I saw his face and the moment he breathed air and let out a cry. Absolutely amazing.
The rest of the hospital stay was a blur. In the most exhausting time of my life, I suddenly had another human I had to care for besides myself. Weak and overflowing with hormones, I attempted to breast feed my baby. You know, that “completely natural” thing our bodies, as women, are supposed to do? It was a nightmare. We struggled for the next 30 hours at the hospital to get him to latch and we repeatedly failed.
After a 10 min session with the hospital lactation consultant (which took 2 days to get her to our room), we got sent home to continue our breast feeding frenzy. It became a nightmare. My precious baby I had waited so long for, I was beginning to resent. I sat and cried for hours trying to get him to latch while he struggled and screamed in hunger and frustration.
I felt like a failure. I was supposed to be able to do this beautiful thing and be able to provide and I couldn’t even pump out enough milk to fill his belly. My anxiety went through the roof. I could barely look at him because I was so scared. I was making myself sick. My heart was beating out of my chest and I kept catching myself with a locked jaw. I could barely force myself to eat or do anything besides sit and cry. I thought to myself “what have I done? My life used to be so easy and simple!”
After seeing another lactation consultant and pediatric dentist, my baby was diagnosed with a tongue and lip tie. He had it fixed using laser revision therapy but my milk supply slowly dwindled to nothing being pumped out. After the revision of his tongue and lip, his latch still wasn’t correct and I had mentally hit a wall. I was exhausted and had hit my breaking point. I reached out to my doctor about my feelings of anxiety and depression. My near panic attacks. As odd as I felt seeking help for my feelings, I found out from my nurse that the postpartum depression and anxiety are actually incredibly common and she sees regular women like me every day coming for help after having a baby. I’m not crazy (even though I felt like it), but instead the mass amounts of hormones shifting through my body were causing me to feel like this! After getting the help I needed, I began to feel SO much better.
I made the hardest decision to give in and give up. I switched to formula completely, and the biggest relief and weight was lifted. I looked at my baby drinking that bottle and thought, “this beautiful little life… I’ve waited so long to meet! You’re the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen!”
Life as a new mom isn’t easy, and I wasn’t expecting it to be. But I can say there were so many aspects that I wasn’t prepared for. There were many things that no one talked to me about:
- Every baby doesn’t come out of the womb and know how to breastfeed.
- Babies can be born with mouth/tongue/lip problems that can affect breastfeeding and bottle feeding.
- You’re not a failure if you can’t breastfeed your baby
- You’re not a “quitter” if you make the decision to stop forcing breastfeeding when it’s not the best feeding method for you and your baby.
- Breast isn’t always best. Fed is best, however you can make it work.
- Your mental health is SO incredibly important at all times, but especially after giving birth and taking on the care of a new baby.’
Apparently it’s taboo to talk about postpartum depression and anxiety. But it shouldn’t be! New moms need to know that they aren’t alone in these feelings. A lot of women go through this! More than you would ever know. All I can ask is that for all your new mommy friends, or even those who aren’t 1st timers, let them know about your experiences if you’ve had them, and remind them that it gets better and to seek help if needed. Check in on them through text or phone calls after bringing baby home. Be a listening ear or ask to help.
Alaina and her beautiful son, Bruce!
I had an AMAZING support system that got me through what I feel was one of the hardest and darkest times of my life. Family that encouraged me to get the help I needed before I got worse. Family that made it know that I wasn’t a failure for choosing to move to formula. But not every new mommy has that. Be that person if you have the opportunity to!
Here’s a picture of my perfect little boy. He’s formula fed, and I’ll always wish my body could have fed him. But he’s finally gaining weight.
He’s happy. He’s healthy. He’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m finally the mom he needs and deserves. He’s brought more meaning to my life than I ever imagined possible.
Bruce, we had a rough start, but I’d do it all again for you son.
Author Bio: Alaina Brown is an ultrasound technologist currently residing in Austin, TX. She is a first time mom to new baby, Bruce Allen, and looks forward to growing her family! She is engaged to Bruce’s father, Shane, and planning their wedding for sometime in summer 2017. She has an 11 year old step-son, Conner, who is a first time big brother as well! She enjoys taking pictures, scrapbooking, sewing and doing other crafts, and plans to return to her career in the health field after her 3 month maternity leave (though she’s considering being a stay at home mom in the future!).
