By Jennifer Brozowski, Mom and Behavior Health Specialist

My son, Jakob, was born 3 days after his due date weighing 8lbs 6 oz, healthy and very hungry. I delivered by c-section and my milk did not come in right away. I had other medical complications making it difficult to hold my son to breastfeed. The nurses discouraged my husband and me from giving my son a bottle and fed my son with a very tiny amount of formula in a cup. My husband struggled to feed Jakob this way and he went several hours without drinking any significant amount of formula. I was committed to breastfeeding and stuck to the plan of very tiny amounts of formula without using a nipple. I trusted the hospital staff to do the best thing for me and my son. The baby began showing signs of hypoglycemia and was not crying, only grunting the first 12 hours of his life. The doctor decided to admit my baby to the NICU. While he was in the NICU, Jakob was fed by bottle and showed immediate signs of improvement. My baby was discharged out of the NICU and back at my bedside within 24 hours. My husband and I continued to follow the discharge instructions from the NICU, which were to feed the baby with the same amount of formula as he was getting in the NICU when breastfeeding was not successful. We were both scolded by the nurses, being told that we were feeding our son too much.   The postpartum nurse stated that, “The NICU does things different than we do. They feed the babies too much and do so using a bottle. We promote breastfeeding alone.”

The rest of my maternity leave continued to be difficult. I was not able to breastfeed successfully so I decided to pump. Every couple of hours I pumped, losing much needed bonding time with my new baby. My husband would often feed the baby while I spent most of my day pumping to keep my supply up. I figured that as long as the baby was getting breast milk, I was doing my job as a mother. My worth each day depended on how many ounces of milk I was able to produce for him, regardless of how much pain I was having. Within my first 6 weeks of giving birth and pumping, I had mastitis on 3 different occasions and was eventually readmitted to the hospital for a breast abscess.

While in the hospital for the abscess, I continued to pump. The milk I was pumping was full of blood and I had pain with every pump. I was still encouraged to keep pumping and feed my son the tainted milk. After this trip to the hospital, my husband and I then made the decision to switch to formula.

It was at that moment that I felt that I had failed. I returned to work 2 short weeks after my re-hospitalization. I only had 2 weeks of good health to have the perfect bonding time with my son. I returned to work without needing to bring my breast pump and had no need for the newly configured “Lactation Room” at work. I felt guilty every day that I passed by this room and guilty every time I saw a breastfeeding mother.

I ignored the initial guilt and anxiety over breastfeeding that I had for an entire year. On my son’s first birthday, I was admitted into the Mother/Baby psychiatric day program. It wasn’t until then that I told my story about how I was treated by the nurses and lactation consultant at the hospital where I delivered. After getting treatment, I finally realized what shame was put on me by the hospital staff for wanting to feed my child and keep him and myself healthy and happy. As a professional in the mental health field myself, I promised myself that I would share my story with other families and support the decisions each family has for their newborn. I could not be happier knowing that there is an organization out there supporting each family’s decision of how to feed. Fed really is best.

#postpartumdepression #fedisbest

For more information on how to protect your baby from feeding complications due to early exclusive breastfeeding, please read and download the Fed is Best Feeding Plan, a way to communicate your feeding choices to your health care providers.

In addition, please read and download the Fed is Best Weighing Protocol to prevent newborn dehydration and failure to thrive.

Lastly, for more detailed information, please watch our educational videos on Preventing Feeding Complications.

Our full list of parent resources can be found on our Resource Page.