I gave birth in a hospital in Tel Aviv, Israel. I struggled with breastfeeding from the moment I gave birth but the lactation consultant told me ‘it’s okay, your milk will come in a few days. I went home and continued to breastfed all of the time, waiting for my milk to come in.
After days and nights, 18-20 hours on the couch breastfeeding, I called a lactation consultant. She assured me that I have milk and all was great; this is just how it is and breastfeeding is hard work. She was really nice and positive about my milk supply and didn’t push me to exclusively breastfeed, but the moms I talked with did. I joined breastfeeding clubs, I read blogs and stories of moms who breastfeed their 2-3 year old children without a problem. I became more and more tired, I cried all the time and I stopped taking showers daily. I couldn’t look at my baby, I had constant pain and he cried all the time. I slept a maximum of 30 minutes each day. I felt like my body and my life was taken from me.
At the 1 month check up the doctor told me my son lost weight from his birth weight. He asked me what is he eating and I told him I am breastfeeding him. He asked me to pump and I got 20cc’s of milk from both breasts in 30 min. My milk was thin and like water. The doctor told me I have no milk! He said my baby doesn’t fall asleep because he is full, he falls asleep because he is exhausted and dehydrated…. I cried and felt horrible…I didn’t care about breastfeeding anymore, I had to feed my starving baby. I ran out and bought formula, my child ate it like crazy, and slept 5 hours. Finally, he was full.
I felt I was unable to take care of him. I felt I failed as a mom. A few days later I went to the mall to buy food and my son was hungry. I went to the breastfeeding room as I wanted to give him a bottle quietly.
A breastfeeding mom asked me to leave the room since “It’s a room for women who decide to feed their children as they should, not the ones who poison them with artificial food.”
That was the last kick. I didn’t wake up next day from bed and I had suicidal thoughts. I thought, “I am a bad mom and my child would be happier without me.” My husband took me to a psychiatrist in the hospital and I was diagnosed with PPD. (postpartum depression) http://postpartumstress.com/get-help-2/do-i-have-ppd/
After almost 3 months I am feeling better. I still take medication and I am going to therapy, but everything is getting better. My son is growing and happy now with formula, sleeping 6-7-8 hours at night. I am happy and energetic.
It’s not breastfeeding that did this to us. It’s the people who believe that breastfeeding is more important than the growth of the baby and moms who judge each other. http://postpartumstress.com/get-help-2/is-breast-always-best/
This is a picture of my husband feeding my son when I was getting help for my postpartum depression. He was finally thriving and no longer cried and now I feel like I am a good mother!
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Thank you for sharing your important story. You are a good mom, and I am so sorry that people gave you so much pressure to breastfeed. I also was unable to breastfeed, for several reasons. Luckily, the doctor at the hospital offered formula, and even though the nurses told me not to do it, I gave him formula.
So powerful. I want to hug this mom.
I empathize with your feelings of desperation. Where was your knowledgeable support system? It sounds like your instincts were telling you something was wrong, and a second or third opinion might have revealed that the baby was not gaining.
A pre and post-feed weigh is always advised to correctly ascertain the amount the baby is transferring from the breast, if things are not going well. It is an easy and definitive way for any professional to assess actual transfer of milk from the breast.
Increased access to educated professionals (not understaffed and costly facilities) for all mothers, can avoid mothers falling through the cracks.